Thursday, April 5, 2012

it's true, i was made for you.

disclaimer: this is a story that has been many months in the works. it seemed only appropriate that this is where i post it, a place of so many inspirations. a story begun on the way home from the hospital one hot, sweaty day in july. a story that will never really end, but has at last come to a peaceful conclusion. for now. second disclaimer: it's long. really long. but straight from the heart. a story of who i am, where i've been, and how i got to where i am. a story about my inspiration.
and so if you're feeling up to it: read on, my friends. read on.

Friday, August 5, 2011

airplanes and dresses.

forever long flight, yes. but i came home to a breakfast with family. and adoring family. does life get better than that? probably not. definitely not. also, i can finally wear all the things i bought in romania and they won't get ruined!
the iasi airport.
 pa pa pa pa pa, iasi!
seat buddies! 
a last view of countryside just outside of iasi. 
tv screens with movies and music for our 9.5 hour flight? yes, please!
4 movies? check.
this german girl found pure bliss, even through landing. 

home again, home again!
1am? no biggy. i was a little excited. no i didn't cry. be proud.
st-em once more! 
the only part of the group going all the way to salt lake.
me, rebecca, and breezy together for the last time!

(sorry these are blurry. iphone special.)
one of my new dresses. :)
grandmama and me!

being home is weird, but it's good to be back in the land of soft beds, white toilet paper, and drinkable tap water.
i'll miss you romania, and think of you often and forever with memories of happiness.

the romanian adventure is officially complete.

the expression of caring is never wasted.

after many plane rides and layovers, and a few extra hours on the tarmac in chicago thanks to weather, i am home. though, as i flew into the salt lake valley and kept repeating that fact to myself, it was a different kind of home than i once knew, for romania had become my home for so long, it's an odd thing to suddenly be thrown back into the place you grew up in, that is oh, so familiar. and yet it's become slightly foreign to me now, especially at the beginning when i first got home.
when i first got home, everything felt surreal. i kept expecting to wake up on my bumpy couch in romania, pulling my hair up, and be heading to section 2 to see my kids. it is good to be home, and to see my family and friends again, and at the same time, i spend so many moments wishing i was still in romania. i loved romania. i love the culture. i love the people. and most of all, i love those children. my life now seems to have lost purpose it once had. life here seems frivolous. american lives are so complicated, and yet the web of complication is filled with superficial needs. i think that's what i learned the most while in romania: a huge dose of perspective. my first encounter with americans again was in the munich airport and on our plane from munich to chicago. americans are arrogant. americans are spoiled. and needy. and picky. and complain when things aren't just their way. it's obnoxious, really. do they realize what a blessing it is that they could even afford to be on the plane and traveling? obviously this is a generalization, and not all romanians are saints either. but the romanian life is a simple one, in most cases. the apartments in blocs are quite small. people live their lives in the moment, appreciating and reveling in any free time in evenings or weekends, because they work so hard for what they have. and really, they just live simply from day-to-day. our time spent there was lived simply, with a routine in place and occasional adventures. we were mostly removed from any modern technology, we often ran across funny sights to see that were foreign at the beginning, but familiar and natural to romania by the end.
the thing i've realized most since being home, is something that i knew i should expect from the beginning. no one can ever really understand the experiences i, and my group, have had. it's impossible to ever really explain what we went through, and the results of different situations. we can try, yes. but usually people are only interested for a short time before conversations take tangents in other directions. and even if you do have a captivated listener, explanations are not as easy as you would expect them to be. i was trying to tell my mom about some of the things that happened with my kids and in our day-to-day lives, and i found myself just getting frustrated because people and situations that meant so much to me or were so significant, can't be explained. you can explain a situation, but you can't explain an entire culture or a person's entire personality and the situation. until you've been there and seen it and can understand the romanian people and have learned of their culture, you can't really understand. not just the romanian culture, but the culture of section 2. explaining our interactions with the kids is impossible, because a milestone or event that was so huge to me, seems mostly insignificant from an american perspective. mostly, that's just it. things are hard to explain. i knew this was how it would be when i came home, and that my group had a way of understanding each other and our experiences that no one here could ever really fully understand, because that's just it. they were here, and we were there living a completely different life.
sometimes my family will ask about romania, or about different experiences we had. about the stories that never got told while i was away, usually about funny things my kids would do or other dramatics. and even though i have a listening ear, i find myself incapable of recounting in any form of eloquence the experiences i've had. at section 2, at the hospital, in the branch, and even simple encounters with romanians in general. i have no way to explain it that can make it understood to someone who hasn't been there, and therefore can never truly appreciate the perspective.
however, sometimes i think this factor of inexplicability and inability to recount the experiences is what makes them so special to me. there are so many experiences i had in romania. some good, some bad, some frustrating, some blissful, some so spiritual you could practically reach out and touch heaven before you-literally. so many moments shared while looking into the eyes of children and babies that i hold near and dear to my heart. moments and emotions that can't be explained, because there is no explanation. and in some ways, i think it's because these moments and experiences were so deep and monumental and filled with such insight, that they can't be shared. attempting to would be almost like casting pearls before swine--dirtying the experience by casting it before ears that couldn't ever appreciate it for it's true value. not because they don't want to, but because in this moment, they are incapable. these experiences were sacred. these experiences were real. and these are experiences, the good and the bad, that will forever remain close to my heart, most of which under lock and key in a treasure chest. only ever released in bits and pieces, if at all. and maybe that's what makes the experiences so valuable. they are completely and totally mine in every sense of the word.
some experiences are shared or understood by members of my group, because they were there experiencing similar things during the same time period with the same administration and general experiences, and yet some are not shared. some are completely and utterly mine, as i'm sure they have their own that are their completely their own. i'm starting to realize that that's what the romania experience is all about, for everyone that ever goes on this internship. you can understand each other because you're on the other side of the world together at the same organization in different, but similar, types of rooms full of children. in the end, though, every child is different. every group of children is different. they all have their own personalities and they all vary. our experience is similar in that we're with romanian children with disabilites, or in a sweaty hospital with babies or young children changing diapers in packed rooms. but when it comes down to experiences with child to child, that's what becomes the most personalized and where the most unique and precious experiences come from--the shared and personal moments. and that's what we share. we all have a treasure chest full of personal experiences that are similar, but still our own.
romania taught me perspective. and at the end of the day, my kids and the people i encountered and talked to in the hospital while changing diapers taught me more than i ever could have taught them. the lives of these kids are so simple, so restricted, and so routine. many of mine were trapped in bodies that can't walk, some that can hardly move at all. and yet, they smile. they smile and laugh when you come in the room, as you hold their hand, as you tickle them, even just because you're there. how many people do you know that are that content and easily satisfied? most of my kids were happy just to have someone there with them. talking to them, holding their hand, singing to them. it doesn't matter what you do. it matters that you were spending the time. true caring and love cannot be bought. it's about the time you spend showing that love. these kids have bigger hearts and personalities than most people that are blessed with a fully functioning mind and body.
every day i think about my kids. i think about the babies in the hospital whose diapers are going unchanged. i look at the time and think of what time it is in romania and what i'd be doing. i think about what my kids would be doing. what funny antics they could be pulling or the funny faces they could be making. every day i wish that i had just a few minutes more with them. to spoil them rotten with love. sometimes it was hard to feel like we made any difference at all. like there was even a point to us flying across the world. and yet, at the end of the day, if the only thing we did in romania was care about them and love them, that would be enough. if nothing else, i hope i was able to touch at least one life in some way or another, no matter how small. for that, i think, is the greatest success that could ever be imagined in life.

i feel the capacity to care is the thing which gives life its deepest significance.
pablo casals

too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word,
a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
leo buscaglia

Thursday, August 4, 2011

con te partiro.

sunday night was our last day with the branch, and it was lovely. the president closed sacrament meeting by telling us how much he loves us and will miss us, and wished us success in the future. we went to romanian sunday school rather than having our own, which was as hilarious and lively as you can imagine. we took photos and said goodbye, and that was the end of our time. after so many weeks, and so many activities, suddenly we are saying goodbye to these beautiful people for what will probably be the rest of this life. bittersweet, for at least we were lucky enough to have met them.
president pitulan and me.
the iași branch!
 [disclaimer: don't judge for my disgusting looks the last few days. gross, i know.
i've now had an american shower again and hair that is cleaner than it's been in months.]

for our final sunday dinner together, mario, her daughter ioana, and teo joined us to spend one last time with them, and to get words of wisdom in closing from mario. (we're becoming pro at self timer photos.) the next time we'd see mario, was as we got into taxis to head to the airport!
top row: kylee, michael, amanda, and me.
bottom row: rebecca, breezy, roslyn, mario, teo, ioana, and melissa.

monday was our last day in romania together, and we mostly spent it packing and doing last minute things. since monday is also p-day for the missionaries, though, we had ice cream with them for a little bit to spend some time and say goodbye. the gelato place in the mall is closed right now, i guess. super sad. so they bought ice cream at the g market, and we partied at scala instead.
group photo! and sora bennett got cut off on my camera. so we made up for it in the next picture.
me and sora holman.

monday night, after a long day of packing, last minute souvenirs, homework, and all sorts of things in the crazy heat, a few of us took a break and went to moldova mall for dinner, the other half went to iulius mall. kylee, michael, amanda, and me ate and sat at the high table that looks out the window towards the cultural palace.  after eating, we decided to enjoy our last night in iași by taking a walk down ștefan cel mare and soaking it all in. we moseyed down the street, and ended up at the benches between the metropolitan cathedral and the national theatre. we then sat for over an hour as the sun set, watching people go by with families and friends, and other groups doing the exact same thing. just sitting and enjoying the most beautiful summer evening. and really, i think that's one of the things i miss most. the way people can just relax and do nothing but sit on a bench and watch the world around them. i think americans don't ever take enough time to just sit and be, doing absolutely nothing. it's a shame, really.

the four spires is the metropolitan.
the same view, a few minutes later.
palatul culturii pentru ultimul timp.
anti-mosquito radio. bahaha
the whole cultural palace. still under construction, as you can see.
we recreated a photograph from our first day in iasi.
first day on the left, last day on the right.
the theatre.
our beloved metropolitan.

after sitting and talking and enjoying being around romanians and in romania, we ended the night with eventually walking home and realizing reality can not be put off forever, as much as we all wish it could. and we would indeed be leaving our beloved romania the next day and re-entering a more complicated american world. nothing but new adventures lies ahead. while we're excited to go home and be with families and friends once more, we're still sad that this adventure is now complete. my favorite fitting quote:

all changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy;
for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves;
we must die to one life before we can enter another.
anatole frances

on the walk home, we passed by the most adorable kitten and little puppy playing with each other on the streets. yes there are millions of dogs, but kittens are more rare to be seen.
another reason i love this photo? the first day none of us would be caught dead holding or touching a stray animal. last day, all bets are off. :)

the finale of the evening was saying goodbye to michael, as he was the first to leave with a 6am flight. group hugs are something we've become very practiced at these past few days (mario loves them. haaa.), so of course we had ourselves some final bonding time and a group hug. though i don't know that i'd call it bonding time at this point for how well we all know each other and how much time we've spent together. and with that, reality arrived as we realized we really are leaving and all going to our own homes and lives.
oh, romania. how i miss you already.
me, roslyn, melissa, michael, rebecca, breezy, amanda, kylee, and aurelia.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

sunflower fields forever.

last saturday, a few of us went on an excursion to see some monasteries near iași! we chose the painted monastery option, so we drove out towards the mountains 2 hours away from the city. and along this drive, we passed through the outskirts of iași as well as other villages, and a whole lot of countryside. most notably: fields and fields of sunflowers! have i mentioned how beautiful romania is? not yet? oh, well let me say it again: ROMANIA IS BEAUTIFUL!

we started at rezervația de zimbri. the largest nature reservation around. what does zimbri mean? bison! so we saw some buffalo. a sad and lonely bear. rudolph's brother with molting and therefore bloody antlers. wolves. tortoises. turkeys. peacocks. glamorous, eh? indeed. gicu, our tour guide thought it was pretty great too. with good reason. i think my favorite part was that he refused to pay because he was 'just the driver,' but he still went in and walked around with us. romanians are so funny. love them.
our monastery crew:
roslyn, melissa, me, rebecca, and amanda.
vii ca turist, pleci ca prieten.
living like a tourist. leaving like a friend.

our next destination was mănăstirea neamț. which is a beautiful monastery, and has a round bookshop across the street! we arrived just before an enormous group of teenagers, so that made things interesting when it came to walking through the church, but all was well. other interesting fact: this monastery was built in the year 1250!
the cemetery within the monastery.
catacombs=creepy.

the ceiling and walls in the bookshop. gorgeous.
the saintly teenagers taking over the road.


from there, we drove a little ways and past a few gypsy carts to mănăstirea secu, another beautiful monastery. as we were walking in, we ran into one of the women that works in melissa's room and my room at section 2! it was such a lucky happenstance, so of course we snapped a photo as she left and we entered.

melissa and me with mihaela!
member that time roslyn fed her slice of ham to a romanian cat? oh, just the usual.

last stop: mănăstirea sinastria. this one was my favorite monastery. all of them were beautiful, but there was something about this place that was just charming and stunning. and it did help that in the smaller church in this monastery, one of the monks started talking to us as we were about to walk out and we chatted about why we're in romania and all that. he was super nice. i thoroughly enjoyed it. and i always enjoy when romanians think i'm doing good with romanian. there was a cemetery at this one, kind of like the first one, but it was at the top of a cobblestoned pathway leading to the top of a slight hill. yes, it sure was as pretty and dreamy as it sounds.

from this place, we made our way back home in our little maxi taxi of sorts and began the 2 hour trek back to iași. all 5 of us may or may not have fallen asleep at some point on the ride. some for longer than others. ahem. i may or may not have slept on and off for almost the whole ride. and i could see gicu through the rearview mirror whenever i woke up. i think he was laughing at me and all of our bobbing heads. scratch that. i know he was. baha. we're so funny. he's so funny. thanks to him for our lovely day!