dreams, realities, and eternities.

[again, this is mostly for myself to have typed up somewhere besides my journal.

you can read it if you want. or don't. either way is fine by me.]

(written 25 June, 2011, 9:07am.)

    Last night I had a dream about one of my boys. We'll call him Fred for online purposes. I was with him just walking out of somewhere with my family and the Ricks (my cousins) behind us.  As we were walking, his hand in mine, suddenly he started imitating lyrics that Steven had been singing.  He talked!  Words!  I was completely overwhelmed with excitement.  And then asked him to say something else, which he said completely perfectly (it was English in my dream, I think).  But the point was that he suddenly could speak perfectly.  I tried keeping my cool, but as my family and then the Ricks, and people I didn't know surrounded us and Fred went over to show this new excitement to my Aunt Jane, who was his mom in my dream.  And as I watched him from the other side of a circle we were in around him, I couldn't hold it in, and I started to cry.  Tears of happiness, joy, and overwhelming emotion.  He was surrounded by people that loved him, and he could finally speak!  And in all this excitement, he and I were the only ones with tears, for we were the only ones that really understood what all this meant, and all of the work and sadness behind it before reaching that moment.  And so I couldn't help but cry, I was so proud of him.  And after that he went with his family and would be gone all through July, meaning I'd never see him again (according to the world in my dream.  A cross between imaginary and reality.)  And that was the end of my dream.

    I don't know why I feel so compelled to record this.  It's just a dream, for heaven's sakes.  But I think there's more to it than that.  In the past couple of weeks, Fred and I have made connections, and he's become my boy.  Yes, he can be really naughty.  But I love him all the same, as if he were my own.  With him, as well as the other kids, I feel protective over how he is treated by the workers and the people that come to visit and are most likely quick to judge him by the tiny glimpses of him that they get.  But there's more to him than that.  More to all of my kids than that.  They're all individuals.  They all have their own personalities.

    Sometimes I question if my major is really what I want to do.  If I really care that much about language, speech, and communication.  And my dream gave me another answer that this is completely right.  There's a reason I became emotional when suddenly Fred could talk.  I realized what a breakthrough it was for him.  I do care.

    Sometimes I wonder if my presence here even makes a difference for these kids.  Especially after weeks like this week, that don't run so smoothly. Three months is a short time in a child's life.  And then we leave and they're left alone with the workers for over a month until the next group comes along.  But seeing Fred in my dream was like seeing a glimpse into eternity.  He'll be surrounded by people that love him, as every child should always be.  He'll be able to talk and communicate, like any average child.  All of my kids will have that.  Love and communication.  So someday I'll sit on a park bench in heaven and chat with each of them.  And I can only pray that the moments we've shared will be brought to their remembrance and mine.  Though sometimes I think words won't be very powerful compared to the communication we've shared when words aren't an option.  Only eyes and feelings.  And with kids like one of my other boys, only feelings.  Someday they'll have their mansions on high.  All my kids.